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FUNNY WALKING-INTO-BAR-JOKES
This guy is sitting in a bar and notices a very sexy lady in the corner reading a book. He tells the bartender to send her a drink on him. She gets her drink and just pushes it off to the side. He try's again, sending her another drink. She again looks his way and pushes the drink away. He gets up and walks over to her. When he gets to the table she looks up and says thanks for the drinks. Hi I'm Mary, I apologize for not saying something but I am really into this book. He asks what are you reading. She is embarrassed and says it is a book about different races having different size penises. She tells him that the Indians have the longest ones and the Spanish people have the largest diameter. She asks him what his name is. He replies Tonto Rameriez.
OR
So this guy is sitting at a bar in the convention hall when in walks this gorgeous, i mean GORGEOUS, woman and sits down right next to him. The man is astonished by her beauty and tries to get up the nerve to start a conversation with her..... : "Are you here on business?" he asks. She says "Yes, as a matter of fact Im here for the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention being held here this weekend." He cant believe his ears and asks " And what kind of 'business' role are you doing for this convention?" She replies " Well, I'm actually a speaker for a seminar in the convention entitled "The Myths of Sex and Sexuality in Our Society Today" She continues "For example, its commonly been told that the African American man is the one who is gifted with the largest penis.... when in fact, it is actually the American Indian. And its been said for many generations that the French men are the best lovers of the world, when it is actually the Jewish men." She paused and said " I do apologize, here I am blabbing away and I haven't even asked your name or told you mine." The man smiles and says "Tonto. Tonto Goldstien."
OR
So this guy walks into a bar and right away he see's this beautiful woman sitting at a table by herself reading a book. So he goes to the bar and asks the bartender," That woman over there, how come she all alone." The bartender says," Since she's reading a book, nobody's even gone up to her once yet, they must figure, she must not want to be disturbed since she's reading a book and all, but why in a bar, don't ask me ask her." So the guy buys her a drink and she invites him over. As he walks over he glances at the cover of the book and the title of it is Strange and Unusual Things About Sex. After seeing this the guy thinks of how lucky he is to have gotten to her before anyone else did. So the guy starts conversation by asking what she was reading and she told him. And then she says," Did you know that the race with the longest penis is the Native American Indian, and that the race with the largest penis are the Pollish. By the way, what's your name?" And the guy says," Tonto Baulvoski." from Fernando Viorato of Calif.
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Mucho Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lnaky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
"I do,² the Lone Ranger replied. ³Why?"
The cowboy drawled, ³You better take care of him. He¹s almost dead from the heat.²
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting. The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.²
Tonto replied, "Sure, Kemosabe," and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
³I do,² the Lone Ranger said, ³what's wrong with him this time?"
³Nothin',² the cowboy said, ³but you left your Injun runnin.²
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Penis envy
Guy at the bar goes for a piss, while he's pissing, in comes a black guy who whaps out a massive dong. The white guy asks him how he got it. The black guy says "every night I tie a piece of cord round the bell end and pull it tight for five minutes" .the white guy thanks him and leaves. The two meet up in the same toilets six months later," how you doin' with the dick says the black guy " "excellent" says his new buddy "look it's nearly all black"
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Pretty flies for white guys
Two flies walk into a bar and order drinks and start talking. The first fly says how was your travel down here? The second fly answers "it was cold I rode in a bikers mustache. How was yours? The first fly answers I was warm I rode in a biker chicks' pussy. You ought to do it next year. So a year passes and the same two flies met in the same bar, and the first fly says did you do it? And the second fly answers yes but some how I still showed up in a biker's mustache.
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Cowpoke
A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to the face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster. "brilliant shooting" says the bartender, "mind if I look at your gun" another flashy spin brings the gun into the tenders hands. "nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth." "what the hell for?" Asks the cowboy. "well see that piano player" says the bartender, " he is Billy the kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up your fucking arse"
from Shawn Weston in Spain
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Not sure if the pay off is worth the reading
This is an old one from the National Lampoon Radio Hour back in the 70s. Must be read aloud in one-liner standup pattern for best effect.
A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm.
The show begins, and the comedian comes on for his first show of the evening.
The comedian says, A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins, and the comedian comes on for his second show of the evening
The show begins, and the comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm."
Just then, a man in the front row stands up and says, "I think I've heard this before."
The comedian says, "Maybe you caught my first show of the evening"
The man says, "No, I just walked in here"
The comedian says, "Well there was a guy who looked just liked you who walked in here with a beautiful girl on his arm, he could've been your twin brother."
The man says, "My twin brother is dead"
The comedian says, "What is this, a wake?"
The man says, "I don't have to stand for this," and he stands up and he walks outside.
The comedian says, "Are you out there? I can hear you breathing"
And the man says, "I'm holding my breath"
The comedian says, "Well I'm holding your wife"
Just then the man says, "That's not my wife"
And he walks back into the nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm
"Who's that lady I'm seeing you with"
The man says "this is my wife. That other lady is my dead twin brother's wife. You can take her if you want her"
The comedian says "Not unless you say please"
Just then, a man walks into a nightclub with a tattoo of a beautiful girl on his arm, eating elbow macaroni
The comedian says, "is that girl from Italy?" The man says "no, just Hungary."
Just then a man walks into the nightclub, he comes riding into the nightclub on a pony with a feather stuck in his hat
"What do you call that," the comedian asks
"An entrance," the man says "But forget that, just get me a beer and give my pony a jockey"
The bartender says, "I think that pony's had enough already"
"Well make it a short jockey," the man says "And while you're at it, you better get that lady's lawyer some briefs"
The lady stand up and says, "I can defend myself your honor"
And the lawyer says, "Well I'll defend her honor your honor"
And the judge says, "Well on or off her, make up your mind"
The comic says, "Well definitely on her. That's the best offer I've had all day"
"Well take it or leave it," says the judge
"Couldn't we just drop it?" says the comedian
"Well you'd better drop leaflets before you bomb"
Well the comedian says "I'm already bombing"
He says "well maybe it's your material"
"You don't think it fits?"
He says "Well it could be let out a little"
The comedian says "How much do you think it will cost me"
He says "it'll cost you an arm and a leg"
The comedian says "Well listen, can you put it on the cuff?"
The tailor says "I'll tell you what I'll do. We'll forget the leg and I'll just charge you the arm. And a beautiful arm it is"
"Okay," says the comedian, and the tailor cuts off the comedian's arm, and gives him the suit. The tailor calls his girlfriend and asks her to go out on the town with him in order to celebrate. He calls on his girlfriend and gives her the beautiful arm as a gift. She wears it around her neck just like a stole. And they go out on the town. The man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl. The show begins, and the one-armed comedian comes on for his last show of the evening. He does his act, and the audience stands up and gives him a hand.
from rimshot
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Standing room only
After a rather wet night the bartender asks Bruce, who's lying on the floor: "Would you like a chair there, mate?" "No, I'm okay standing, thanks."
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Fables
It was a nice day out back at a lakeside pub, when a fish saw a fly hovering over the water and the fish said to himself, "man, if that fly comes just two inches closer I'm going to jump up and eat it and have a great lunch", but at the same time a bear was hiding i the woods and saw the fly and the fish and he said to himself "when that fly goes down two inches and that fish grabs it I'm going to grab that fish and have a good lunch", meanwhile, a hunter was watching the fly, the fish, and the bear and he said to himself, "when that fish jumps up and that bear comes out from hiding to catch it i'm going to shoot that bear and have a nice trophy for myself" whilst all this was going on a rat was waiting and watching the man so that when the bear came out of hiding and the hunter bends over to shoot it i'm going to grab the sandwich out of the hunters back pocket. At the very same moment a cat was watching the whole scenario unfold and planned that as soon the hunter bends over to shoot the bear and the rat goes for the sandwich he's going to jump for the rat and have himself and good lunch.... whew.
So anyway, the fly goes down two inches, the fish then proceeds to jump and catch it, then the bear grabs the fish, the hunter bends over and shoots the bear, the rat grabs the sandwich from his back pocket and the cat jumps for the rat misses it and lands in the water.
wow! and the moral of the story is ladies and gentleman. It takes a hell-of-lot just to get a pussy wet.
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Read with your tongue out--you should be use to it
A short man walks in to the bar and begins to tell the bartender his story. Well, he theths, I wath driving down thith country road, when I thaw a thine that thaid "horth for thale". I jutht happened to be looking to buy a thorth, tho I turned up the driveway to thee about it. The farmer wath quite nithe about thowing me the horth, but I made it clear to him that it had to be a healthy horth, not jutht any old thag back. The farmer to me it wath a three year old mare. When we got to the horth, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth eyth, becauth I wath too thort. The farmer reluctantly picked me up to thee. I checked the hortheth eyth, and they theemed great, and the farmer put me down. Nexthd, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth teeth. He wath even more reluctant thith time, but he did it. I grabbed the hortheth lipth, lifted them, and tapped on the teeth to be thure they we tholid. They were, and the farmer put me down. We thtepped back thowards the hortheth hind quarter, looking towardth hith head, when I athked the farmer to thee the hortheth twat. The farmer grabbed me, picked me up, and thtuck me in the hortheth bum. Then he pulled me out and thtood me up, right at the back thide of the horth. Well, I wath in thock. I wath covered in poo, and some got in my mouth. As I thpit it out, I thaid to the farmer, " Let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her gallop thlowly?"
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Ear today...
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I`ve got one `ere."
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Liquor is quicker
A guy his mother, his aunt, his cousin, his sister, and Candice all walk into a bar. his mother has a French ale, his aunt a glass of zinfandel, Candice has a beer, and every one else has a glass of Chablis. The bartender is wonders why out of all the other drinks Candice has a beer. So he walks over to her and he noticed she had her hands in her pants so he asked" what are you doing, and why a beer", to which he replied "IT TASTE GREAT , LESS FEELING (FILLING)!!!"
from Candice B in Indianapolis, Indiana
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Mirror mirror
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up ok A brunette . a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first She says" I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up The brunette goes up She says" I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up Last is the blonde She says " I think........" Poof!!
from BLUBBA
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Wash that dress
This guy walks into a bar with his friend. A couple minutes later, this really hot chick walks in. The first guys sez, "whoa, she's HOT!" so his friend sez "go for it!". So the first guys goes up to the chick and tells her she's a babe. She tells him she's a prostitute and she'll do anything he wants for a hundred bucks. The guys says "well, my wife told me to be home early tonight, so how's tomorrow?" She says okay, so the next day they meet back at the bar and they both go back to his place. The man says he wants a blow job, so the chick drops to her knees and blows him till he cant stand it anymore! The guy sez, whoa, that was great! So he plops down his hundred bucks and she says "no charge". The guy says, that was great, so why not? and the prostitute sez "It's President's day"
from JR
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Getting some
A fairly unattractive short guy walks into a bar, upon entering has a quick glance about for potential friends, sees no one he knows and unhappily walks up to the bar. He orders a white wine and starts mumbling to himself, the bartender, obviously quite distressed about the well being of this guy, starts making small talk with the man. "So how has your day been he says?" The ugly man looks round and replies, "Not too good, my friend, today is my 35th birthday and i haven't had sex for 25 years". To this the bartender replies, "well i don't mean to be offensive but you are one ugly guy, i tell you what, just for a laugh i will buy you a drink if you go and chat up the girl at the end of the bar." The man then looks round and sees an absolutely stunning brunette about 23 years old sitting by herself sipping away at a half empty wine glass. The man turns back to the bartender pauses for a second and smugly replies, ok. The man then walks over to the brunette sits down beside her and says, "I know you will never go out with a guy like me, but i bet you $20 dollars i can make you orgasm in the next 5 minutes without even touching you?" The girl looks back knows that this is impossible and seems such easy money kindly accepts the mans offer. The man smiling wildly then picks the girl up throws her on the bar pulls her dress up and fucks her for 5 minutes. The man then slaps down $20 dollars and leaves.
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There's something about Mary
Hey, a lady walks into a lesbian bar and order's a bloody mary. A blonde walks over to her and said "Where do you know me from"?
from Naughty Nitonya Story
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It's a special house blend
Hey, a guy walks in a bar and order's two house specials, the bar keep say's were all out of Heineken would you like some Bud, the guy say's yes, ten minutes later Bud comes out the bathroom with two full glasses.
from Nitonya Story
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Preventive measures
Hey, a guy walks into a bar after a steaming argument with his wife about sex. He asked the bar keep was there any available women who's willing to give him what his wife wouldn't. The bar keep whispered in the mans ear, "We have some fine women up stairs who's willing to do anything for practically nothing". So after the guy finished his drink he went up stairs. A very sexy woman stopped him and asked him what was he looking for, he said anything, ready and willing. The sexy lady showed him to a room and asked him to wait a couple of minutes someone will be in shortly. After waiting way over an hour, a woman came in, he could barely see her, she laid in the bed and said come and get it, and they began to do there thing. Suddenly the man said, why are you so dry? she said I don't know this never happened to me before, let me go freshen up. The woman went into the bathroom, a couple of minutes later she came out and they were back doing there thing. The guy said ooh baby, this feels great, what did you do. The woman said I just pulled the scabs off and let the puss flow.
from Nitonya Story
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Brother, brother
A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?". The barman asks "what does he look like?".
from Claire West
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Feline time
A guy walks into a bar carrying a kitten in his hand. The bartender immediately tells him that he can't have the kitten in the bar. The guy apologizes, but asked if he could keep the cat and have just one drink, and leave. The bartender agreed, and after the guy drank his beer, he turned to leave. Stopping him the bartender asked, "Out of curiosity, why do you have a kitten with you?" The guy replied, "Beer always taste better when you've got a little pussy."
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A guy is in a bar and said do you sell animals, so the bar owner says yea, so the guy says i want a lion, but it must way 20 pounds. so he says ok . he gets a lion and starts sucking on his tail it weighs 20 pounds. the guy says no you don't weigh a lion like that, so he said son get your mom, the kid said she is weighing the mail man
from paul e (who can't spell to save his life)
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Two gay guys walk into a bar and started to fuck, so soon they had a baby, there were 20 babies in there and all were crying except the one baby was smiling, so the gay guys say i am so happy all the babies are crying and ours are smiling, the bartender said you wait until I take the pacifier out of his ass
from paul e
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A guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and just asks for a bud. The bartender notices that the man is lookin real glum, so he says, "What's wrong?" the man says "None of the whores outside will suck my dick, I mean right when I drop my pants they run off." "Are you paying them good?" "Hell yah but they don't care, they won't come near me." The bartender says, " Man my friend has probably seen weirder dicks than yours... That is if the Ho's think your dick is messed up?" The man says " Is he gay?" no he's a doctor." So the man says I'll have him take a look. The next night the man comes back to the bar saying my dick is orange. The bartender says " No shit? What did he say was wrong," the man then replies " The doctor asked if I had been doing anything different lately, I told him mainly what I do every normal day since I wasn't doing anything different" The bartender then asked " What did the doctor finally say was wrong" " he said my dick was orange." " you've already said that! Why did he say it was orange!" " he didn't say, after I told him what my day was like he started laughing hysterically." the bartender asked " what is your schedule?" The man says " 6-7 I get ready for work then 7 thirty-4 I work except for lunch. Then from 4-6 watch TV then at 10 I go to a bar." The bartender asks " Well what do you do from 6-10?" The man replies " I usually watch porn and eat cheetos."
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A guys walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says "Would you like to dance?" and she replies "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you." To which the guy replies "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."
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A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.
Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy £50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.
So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?" The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."
from Graham Leeds in the UK
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OK, a 3 foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of shit. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of shit, the midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.
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3 guys walk into a bar and a woman stops them and says you can only come in if your dick lengths add up to a foot. The first guy gets out his dick and its 5 inches long, the second guy gets his out and its 5 inches long, the third guy gets his out and its 1 inch long so they are let in. The first guy says, "Thank god my dicks so long", then the second guy says, "Thank god my dicks so long", and the third guy says, "Thank god I had a stiffy"
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There was this guy that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He began to have a conversation with the bartender and he went from one beer to several more. After a couple of hours the man realized that he had to piss. At this point he was falling down drunk. He asked the bartender where the john was and the bartender replied, "down the hall the second door on the right. Whatever you do do not go into the first door on the right." The man then got up and walked down the hall and went into the first door on the right. About ten minutes had passed and the bartender knowing that the basement had been flooded earlier and that the first door on the right was a elevator shaft figured that the man had went through the wrong door. He went to check on the man and coming closer to the first door he could hear the mans yells for help. He opened the door and asked the man if he was all right. The man replied, "I am fine. Just don't flush the Toilet!"
from Chris
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After a bit of Christmas shopping three little old ladies, shivering from the cold, decided to get a drink at a local bar. After the second round of hot toddies, the first little old lady said to the others "Have any of you decided what to give the doorman of our building for Christmas?" The first little old lady said, "I think I'll give him some money........ I think he could use the money." The second little old lady said, "Perhaps, but I've seen him at this bar several times, already..........I think I'll give him a bottle." The two of them turn to the third little old lady, who was quietly sipping her drink and asked, "......and what are YOU giving the doorman for Christmas?" "I," said the woman with a smile, "am giving the doorman SEX." What the two exclaimed, "You're giving the doorman sex! And what does your husband think about that?" "In fact," she replied, "my husband told me I should give the doorman sex. Why just last night I asked my husband 'What are we giving the doorman for Christmas?' and he said to me..........'The doorman, FUCK THE DOORMAN !!!!!!!"
from a typical New Yorker
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so this guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender this is the most smartest dog in the world i bet you five dollars that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer so he said all right what is 10+11+13 the dog said 34 wow he did get it so hand over the 5 dollar bill and then the guy said don't let my dog go any where i have to use the bathroom so he hands the dog the 5 dollars to hold on to and wile the guy was in the bathroom the bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says if your so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper so the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom and he couldn't see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was and he said he went to get me a news paper the guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave so the guy goes out to find his dog he looked all over until he seen his dog in a alley and seen his dog fucking a poodle and he says what are you doing you have never done this before and the dog says i have never had 5 dollars before either
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A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "That will be $7.50 please" says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don't very many hippos in here" mutters the bartender.
The hippo replies, "At these prices it's no wonder!"
from Mike Schudel
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A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He looks around, admiring the room and he soon notices that there are big lumps of meat hanging on the ceiling. He then says to the bartender, 'Why have you got all this meat hanging around?''.The barman says, 'Its a little bet that we are running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth then you can have all your drinks bought for you. If you fail then you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Are you going to have a try at it''. The man shakes his head and says to the bartender, 'No, the stakes are to high' (stakes/steaks)
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These two hunters enter the bar every day, the first one always carries the skin of an bear, the other one always empty handed. So the second one goes up to the first hunter and asks him how he gets to shoot a bear every day. "Well, that's easy", he replies," I just go over to one of those holes in the mountain, stand in front of it and shout; 'yo, fat fucking cunt of a bear, get your stinking ass out off this fucking hole!' as loud as I can, then the bear gets out and I shoot the fucker, easy as." "O.K." the other one says, "I'll remember that". So the next day the first hunter comes into the bar with his skin and orders a beer. About ten minutes later the second one crawls in, covered in blood, missing an leg, kinda really fucked up. So the other hunter yells "What the fuck happened to you man?!", "Aargh", says the other one " I did what you told me to do, I went to a hole, started shouting and swearing at that fucking bear and guess what happened?" "What?" "A fucking train came out"
from tattooteef of holland
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A man walks into a bar, and there at the bar he sees another man, but not an ordinary man. No, this man is waving cash around like it grows on trees. He has all these beautiful women around him, and he has an orange for a head. So our man goes up the the man at the bar and asks him how he came about having these peculiar assets. The man at the bar says "well, one day I was walking down the street and I found a lantern on the floor, so I picked it up and rubbed it. A genie popped out and kindly granted me three wishes. "for my first wish" I said, "I would like shit loads of cash for the rest of my life". "your wish is my command" said the genie. "for my second wish, I would like beautiful women to flock around me for the rest of my life". "your wish is my command" said the genie. "so what was your third wish" asked our man. "I wished for an orange for a head"!
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